We’ve all done it at one time or another. Set out to find the exact thing we envision with a very specific list of requirements. I once had an event to attend for work, and I had seen a dress in a magazine that I knew would be perfect for the occasion and look great on me…in red. I was one of few women working in a male-dominated industry, so I felt I needed to make a statement of confidence. Plus, I just felt like red was my color.

So, I set out on an all-day shopping mission. I started at my favorite go-to destination for work clothes, Lord & Taylor. I could usually find exactly what I wanted there without even trying it on. It was my Banana Republic of the 90s. I knew I wanted short (but not too short), scoop neck, three-quarter sleeve, and a deep red, not too bright. As I walked from department to department, I scoped out every red garment and immediately went to it. There were plenty of dresses, but they were too long, not the right style I was going for, or the wrong red. It never crossed my mind that I may need to alter my search until I was back in the car with nothing to show for it. I was frustrated; I hadn’t given myself much time to find this dress. Why couldn’t I just find exactly what I wanted? How could I possibly settle for something different?

15 Years Later…

Fast forward 15 years when I became a widow. Eventually, dating would be a thing. At the urging of my grief counselor, I made a list of what I would want in a partner and what I knew I definitely would not want. It was almost as fun as flipping through the Sears Wish Book with a pen making big circles around the things I REALLY wanted and a check mark next to the things I would be happy seeing under the Christmas tree. As I made my list of traits I definitely needed in a partner and couldn’t do without, I thought about characters in movies, TV shows, and books I’ve read. I took the best parts of my friends’ husbands or boyfriends and created my ideal man. As I began to date, I quickly realized I was going to have to put less emphasis on the circled items and more on those with a check next to them. In other words, the circled items were hard to find and maybe even harder to identify after just date or two. And, the checked items were far more attractive qualities, things I felt more comfortable with than I imagined I would. I met some nice guys; a few were really handsome while others were easy to talk to or had a great sense of humor. And, there were those who were really far off the mark, and that was okay – it showed me what I didn’t want. At the advice of a close friend who was also dating, I went on dates I really didn’t want to. But, after all, I was browsing at the dresses that weren’t red or short or with a scoop neck. I was seeing what it felt like to try something different than what I thought I wanted. It was uncomfortable as hell at times! That was a good sign that I needed to keep shopping.

What I Learned

What I learned from all of this is the perfect red dress does not exist. When we are looking for something and are too specific or closed minded, the chances are pretty good that we will never find it. If we have some flexibility and can imagine it to be some variation of our perfect scenario, we are more likely to stumble upon what we may have never chosen.

I didn’t stop looking for the red dress, but I did start considering navy, black or maybe even a print. I tried on a few styles that I didn’t see myself in at all. I had some fun with it and learned a few things about myself along the way. Sometimes opening our hearts and minds to different or uncomfortable ultimately leads us to what suits us best, and it is very likely not be the red dress at all.