How Did I Get Here?

This is one of those big life questions that can hit us hard if we let it. It has potential to get out of control for me, spiraling downward to a place I no longer allow myself to dwell. A place of sadness, regret, confusion, frustration, and self-pity. What I do instead is ask myself, “How did I get here?” with a big smile on my face and love in my heart. It changes everything.

I’m turning 53 tomorrow! Lately, I’ve really been reflecting on my life and trying to remember back as far as possible to times that really stand out to me and made an impact on my life. One very special memory that I’ve dug deep for is riding my bike up and down the hill in front of my childhood house every chance I got. I loved my bike with its banana seat and shiny handlebars with ribbons hanging off the ends. I grew up in that wonderful time when playing outside was the only option on a nice day. Riding up that hill wasn’t as easy as it sounds. It took a lot of guts for me to even get started. I sat on our front step day after day watching my brother and the neighborhood kids ride up and down, up and down, having a great time and making it look so easy.

How could I be missing out? I didn’t think I would ever be able to make the ride up, and I was petrified of having to ride back down with the fear of losing control and falling off my bike (which I definitely did and have scars on my knees to prove it).   I practiced a lot going halfway up, and one day I just worked up the courage to try. The first time I made it the whole way, I remember the pain I felt in my little legs working so hard to move the pedals forward and the exhaustion of pushing with everything I had to get to the top. I can still see the top of that hill as I reached it and the flat area just beyond it where I rode around in circles for what felt like hours. It was such a relief to just enjoy riding after working so hard to get to the top. I was also avoiding the ride back down for sure; but, once I got going, I remember the feeling of excitement and immense relief taking my feet off the pedals, sticking my legs out to the sides, and feeling the breeze on my face all the way down. I even got so comfortable that I could take my hands off the handlebars. It was so exhilarating! I was proud of myself! I began to see the enjoyment in it versus the fear; it got easier, and I got really good at it. If that’s not a metaphor for this big life question, I don’t know what is.

What Was I Thinking?

When we have a difficult life-changing experience or tragedy, our reflections can easily take us back to that time of sadness, fear and uncertainty. Over time, it’s possible to learn to control the frequency or magnitude of it by how we talk to ourselves. We usually have the ability to stop it before it begins to spiral. I have shared in the past about my anxiety and the surprise of it beginning a few years after losing my husband. At that time, I knew I was definitely questioning my life and seeking solutions, which turned into a revolving mess of feelings of doubt, fear, and lack of confidence. I read and watched everything I could find and talked to  everybody who might be able give me some insight on how to work through the anxiety. What I learned is I’m a fixer, so I was tormenting myself trying to fix a situation that was beyond my control.

I had been diligent about my grief work, and my therapy eventually began to focus more on my life going forward. When the anxiety kicked in, part of my therapy and self-care included learning how to manage my thoughts. It was a bit of a setback, but I had to do the work to learn to live with the grief and use the tools I gathered to navigate the changes and uncertainties, accepting my life as a widow and only-parent.

It took making the decision to speak positive encouraging words as soon as the negative thoughts began. I learned to let it come, and deal with it in such a way that puts it back in its box up on the shelf. It was really hard at first, but it became easier and more natural with time. What could turn really bad, really fast three years ago when I asked myself, “How did I get here?” now takes a different direction as I make the choice to focus on the positive aspects of my life that have gotten me to the place I am today — my faith, children, health, family, and friends. Sure, I still have those feelings of sadness and fear, but I let them come and then shift my attention toward the wins in my life rather than the losses.

I am healthy; I have wonderful people in my life; I live in a beautiful place; I have what I need. I raised two amazing kids who are creating their own lives, and while I miss them like crazy and wish we could sit around the kitchen island again in our home their dad built for us in New Jersey, I know I did my best giving them my love, encouragement, and the foundation to create their own stories.

The Takeaway

So, how did I get here? While I don’t ignore the path life has led me along thus far, I pull it apart to focus on the memories and the most important times. I do my best to keep it all in perspective, let it unfold as it is supposed to, and not worry about tomorrow. Today, I will put on my flip-flops and take Jack for a walk, remain incredibly thankful for my kids, and have faith that whatever is next in my life will be as exciting as riding my bike down that hill, hands in the air, confident, and grateful that I got off the front step and joined in on the fun.

Maybe you can related to this if you’re around my age, or perhaps you’ve also suffered a significant loss that makes you question everything, like I do.  I’m happy to help you work through it. Visit www.bethelisecoaching.com to schedule a FREE 30-minute coaching call, and we’ll do it together!