The Apple Pie

With the holidays swirling around us, getting our plans in place can be very exciting, but it can also bring some other pretty scary feelings to surface. We are creatures of habit, right? So, we know what we know, and it all feels really comfortable and secure when we have been doing it for a long time. The thought of new things makes us feel uneasy, and we might even fight the idea of trying something different or introducing something that seems way outside of what everyone is used to. Then, there is the excitement of those same thoughts. What I have found is it usually isn’t anywhere near as bad as we think it’s going to be; quite honestly, it’s almost always worked out so great that I’m pleasantly surprised and so grateful.

Change? No, thank you!

Last Christmas was the first for my friend who lost her husband, so she decided to take her kids away for Christmas; it was too painful to spend it in their family home so soon after their loss. They kids are college age, and they weren’t crazy about the idea at first, but she said it was the best trip for the three of them and exactly what they needed. I was so proud of her for making that choice for her family. Another very dear friend of mine can’t face putting the old ornaments on the tree this year since the loss of her daughter last December, so she decided to buy new ones to make things just different enough.   We all have to do what feels right. There’s no rulebook, although I really wish there was sometimes.

After losing my husband, I was determined to keep things the same as much as possible for my kids, but also for me. It felt right for us to do things as closely as possible to how it had always been. For us it was Christmas Eve church service in town and then a delicious homemade soup dinner at our friends’ house with her family, Christmas morning at home with my mom, and then to my husband’s family in the afternoon. Like everyone else, we have our favorite homemade Christmas treats and traditions. I have my mom’s cookie recipe book from when she first got married, and I always incorporate a traditional favorite treat or two from both sides of the family. On my husband’s side it is the Biscotti, my favorite and one of the few Italian recipes I can actually make with some confidence. On my side, it’s the Nut Thins, a Scandinavian cookie recipe handed down from my maternal grandparents. It’s not Christmas without them!

Two of the biggest changes for us were who would make the apple pie at Thanksgiving, and who would play Santa and hand out the gifts on Christmas morning, since both were jobs my husband proudly performed, especially the pie making. Tony happily accepted the challenge of this family Thanksgiving tradition after my dad passed away, and Mom was happy to pass along the task. He did so not because my dad made the pie, but because he loved my mom’s pie so much, and he enjoyed working on his homemade crust and making sure the apples didn’t settle too much upon baking. We would all sit around watching and teasing him about his concentration and accuracy, while all hoping the crust would be perfect, of course. The first Thanksgiving after losing Tony, my son gathered around our kitchen island with his buddies for the new pie-making tradition. Wearing his Carhartt coveralls with a Corona in hand, A.J. proudly and quite successfully made his first, of now many, deliciously beautiful apple pies.

Christmas morning was understandably tough the first year, although I never allowed myself to imagine what it would be like.  In the midst of swirling emotions, I realized when the kids finished their stockings and we gathered by the tree, I hadn’t thought about who would hand out the gifts; Tony was always our Santa. I was so emotional, and I just couldn’t do it. A.J. realized it, and he jumped in and volunteered for the job. My daughter was only 12, so this was still a really important and fun part of our celebration.   It felt so good for him to take over and fill that role without any formal decision…just letting it happen. Each year thereafter we have embraced this change, and it became our new normal, just like the apple pie.

Embrace Whatever Feels Right

We take for granted that things will just always stay the same, and it can be quite unsettling and sad when this is not the case. Not much thought has to go into our holiday plans, because we basically know the drill. I can recall explicitly my family traditions growing up. One person late or absent when we arrived at my grandparents, or a missing menu item made all the difference in the world (Grandma’s fruity Jell-O molds were the best!). But, sometimes starting something new feels nice too, when we make space for it and let it in. There is a sense of independence and confidence that we gain from having the courage to try. When and how to introduce this is completely up to each of us. There are so many circumstances, especially as our children grow up, that change is just necessary in our traditions. In many cases, it’s impossible to avoid, but if we just sit back and think about all of the times in our lives when we have experienced change and survived, it makes altering the holiday traditions a bit less traumatic.   We adjust, and while it’s often a struggle at first and might take some long, deep breaths and a few prayers, it’s entirely possible and likely to feel joyful in its success.

This Thanksgiving was my first time ever not being with at least one of my children. The anticipation of it brought feelings of anxiety and sadness initially, especially since I had moved just a few weeks earlier. But, knowing they had plans and would enjoy their days brought me peace. Instead of allowing it to distract me, I enjoyed the holiday weekend thoroughly with my son’s girlfriend who was away from her family too. While I missed that apple pie more than I thought I would, knowing it will not always be this way, and feeling their presence in my heart, brought me peace.

New Can Feel Nice

I remind myself regularly that home really is where our heart is. Change is hard, but we can embrace the adventure of create of new traditions, whatever we decide them to be and what feels right for each of us. Starting new ones might seem impossible or scary, but once we wrap our heads around our ideas, it begins to feel healthy and invigorating. When we experience a loss, whether it is of a loved one, a job, a house, or a tradition, we have that deer-in-the-headlights reaction. Remember when one of your siblings or your own child suggested doing something different? Or, how about when you had to leave your own family on a holiday to visit your new boyfriend’s family? At first, there is resistance, but once we try it on and see how it feels, it’s kind of nice to bring something new into the mix. I remember the first year my son’s girlfriend brought her grandma’s delicious Hungarian cookies at Christmas – it was love at first taste for me. I’ve stopped making so many cookies over the years due to time, and the simple fact that I’ll eat most of them if they’re left behind. So, having a new treat to look forward to from someone else’s family tradition is really special.

This Christmas, I will be with my children, their significant others, and my mom. I am so grateful. It is the first year we are all living in different states, but we decided to do whatever it took to make it possible to be together. While it will be the first year I won’t have most of my old decorations on display, or the kids’ macaroni wreaths from 2^nd grade hanging on the tree, I will be with my family enjoying my son’s apple pie since I asked him to make it for Christmas this year…just to change it up a bit!

Try It On!

Change is hard – it feels itchy and scratchy, our tummies get queasy, and our palms might be sweaty. Just trying one new thing to practice and see how it turns out is a great place to start. Don’t be afraid! What’s the worse thing that can happen? If it doesn’t work out, you won’t do it again. It’s that simple, and nothing has to be permanent. We can change our course at any given moment, or sometimes it is simply changed for us. Do what feels good for you at the time. Try it on! Merry Christmas!!

If this holiday season is causing you some uneasiness and you want to consider introducing something new but don’t quite know how, I’m happy to help you work through it. Visit www.bethelisecoaching.com to schedule a FREE 30-minute coaching call, and we’ll do it together!